


Sometimes John Sheppard Even Disturbs Himself

by mckays_girl



Series: Sock Puppet 'Verse [1]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Adult Themes, Crack, Crazy John, First Kiss, Humor, M/M, Sock Puppets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2007-05-17
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 12:51:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10021502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mckays_girl/pseuds/mckays_girl
Summary: "Obviously, you need some private time.  I'll just leave you two alone," Rodney teased, hooking a thumb over his shoulder while backing toward the door.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Notes: SockPuppet!Crack. I take no responsibility for this. I blame chebonne, girly_curl_3, hugglewolf, smuffster and _kiden for encouraging my deviance. Also, Thanks to my insane beta girly_curl_3 who made the lovely, if somewhat disturbing cover. I loveyoumarryme! Additional beta duties by hugglewolf

  
  
  
John should really consider more sessions with Heightmeyer. Or maybe he should clue her in on some of his more disturbing obsessions. His longtime object of longing was one Dr. Rodney McKay, self-proclaimed smartest man in two galaxies. John watched him constantly, always keeping his distance. Except for maybe stealing the occasion manly TAC vest grab or smack upside the head.  
  
But watching from afar and abusing the person you were lusting after could be a lonely existence, which was how John found himself alone in his room sorting through his sock drawer in frustration. He now regretted only bringing black socks to the Pegasus galaxy. After a brief reconnaissance mission to the storeroom, he was able to find a supply of white socks and box of permanent markers. Using his limited artistic ability, John drew two piercing blue eyes.  
  
***  
  
John was sitting on his bed with the sock puppet on his right hand, talking in a high pitched voice. "Oh, John, you know you're the only one for me." He deepened his voice and continued to speak. "Rodney, I've been waiting for this day since I first heard you ask me to think about where we are in the solar system." Leaning in, he pressed his lips to where the sock puppet's might have been, if it had lips.  
  
The door slid open and Rodney walked in, hands already waving. "Colonel, I've found a way to . . ." He stopped mid-sentence and stared at John in bewilderment.  
  
John hastily shoved his sock-covered hand behind his back and blushed profusely. "Rodney," he started.  
  
"Colonel," Rodney said, after recovering from his initial shock. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Nothing," John answered mulishly.  
  
"Were you just kissing a sock?"  
  
"Rodney," John growled.  
  
"Obviously, you need some private time. I'll just leave you two alone," Rodney teased, hooking a thumb over his shoulder while backing toward the door.  
  
John stood, discarding the puppet on the bed. "I swear, if you breathe a word of this to anyone . . ."  
  
"Oh, no," Rodney said, holding his hands in front of him and stifling a laugh. "Your secret's safe with me, Colonel." He made a zipping motion over his lips.  
  
John folded his arms across his chest and glared at Rodney as he left the room. He could hear Rodney's roaring laughter ringing in his ears.  
  
***  
  
No one was giving him giving him weird looks in the mess, so John assumed that Rodney hadn't ratted him out. He finished his breakfast and headed back to his room. The puppet was hiding in a cardboard box under his bed, and after yesterday's incident he refused to take it out again no matter how much it taunted him. Okay, maybe for just a second. John settled on the bed and reached between his legs, sliding the box through his feet, pulling the cover off. He lovingly removed the sock, cradling it in his arms.  
  
Slipping it on his hand, he leaned back against the headboard. "Hi Rodney, how was your day?"  
  
"It was great. I had a lot of interesting breakthroughs," Rodney-puppet answered. "But let's not talk about work. I missed you."  
  
John held the puppet close to his chest, wishing it was the real Rodney here in his arms.  
  
"You know," Rodney-puppet whispered, "we don't have to just snuggle."  
  
John gasped as he felt pressure rubbing along the length of his cock. Okay, maybe he was taking his sick and twisted fantasy just a little too far, but right now he didn't care as he unzipped his pants and pulled out his erection. The rough material of the sock felt strange around his cock as he stroked, slowly, oh so slowly, trying to savor the sensation. He imagined it was the real Rodney's mouth engulfing him, sliding up and down his dick and that was it. He pulsed in short spurts, staining the pristine white of the sock with his come.  
  
"Damn it!" So much for taking it slow. John tried to wipe off as much as he could, but he knew the sock would never look the same and he felt a little guilty for taking advantage of Rodney-puppet like that. "You really need a friend," he crooned to it.  
  
***  
  
By that evening John was stretched out on his balcony with bits of fabric and yarn and thread and glue, grinning and humming to himself. Clearly, he made the right choice in high school when he decided to take home economics instead of shop. One puppet had a science blue t-shirt, brown yarn for hair, blue eyes and crooked lips. The other had a shock of dark yarn, a black t-shirt and greenish-brown eyes. John thought he did pretty well with the supplies he had available.  
  
When everything was cleaned up, John got comfortable in his bed and pulled a sock on each hand. He tried to think of some exciting adventures for John-puppet and Rodney-puppet to go on. He settled on being stuck on an alien planet without a working DHD.  
  
"Colonel, we're going to have to find an alternative means to get off this planet," Rodney-puppet said. "Look, a cave. I bet there's an ancient device that will save us."  
  
"Shall I use my super-powered ancient gene to turn it on, Rodney?" John-puppet asked.  
  
"Yes, thank you. You're very helpful," Rodney-puppet said politely. "Okay, now all I have to do is attach this ZPM to the flux capacitor and bingo!"  
  
"Oh, Rodney, you're my hero!" John-puppet exclaimed and kissed Rodney-puppet squarely on the lips.  
  
"Oh, my god!" real-Rodney shrieked. "That's me!"  
  
John's head snapped up and he flushed from head to toe. "Don't you knock?" he snapped. He tossed the puppets on the bedside table and sighed heavily, mentally preparing for the diatribe he was going to receive.  
  
Rodney crossed the room and sat on the bed. "Seriously, Sheppard, I should probably be way more disturbed by this, but you're fucking hot and I really want to have sex with you." He leaned in; pressing opened mouthed kisses to John's lips.  
  
John gasped against Rodney's mouth and came in his pants like he was thirteen again.

End Notes:

There may be more of this series because the crazy people of LJ have demanded it.

  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.wraithbait.com/viewstory.php?sid=11673>  



	2. Sometimes John Sheppard Even Disturbs Himself by mckays_girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Obviously, you need some private time. I'll just leave you two alone," Rodney teased, hooking a thumb over his shoulder while backing toward the door.

Sometimes John Sheppard Even Disturbs Himself by mckays_girl

  
Sometimes John Sheppard Even Disturbs Himself by [mckays_girl](http://www.wraithbait.com/viewuser.php?uid=1020)  


  
Summary: "Obviously, you need some private time. I'll just leave you two alone," Rodney teased, hooking a thumb over his shoulder while backing toward the door.  
Categories: Slash Pairings > McKay/Sheppard Characters:  Carson Beckett, Elizabeth Weir, John Sheppard, Major Lorne, Other, Radek Zelenka, Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan  
Genres:  First Time, Humour, PWP - Plot, What Plot?, Series  
Warnings:  Adult themes  
Challenges: None  
Series: None  
Chapters:  3 Completed: Yes   
Word count: 3817 Read: 14576  
Published: 17 May 2007 Updated: 07 Apr 2008 

Sometimes John Sheppard Disturbs Everyone Around Him by mckays_girl

Rodney coated his cock with lube using the hand that wasn't covered with the sock puppet. He was starting to question his own sanity (he didn't question John's anymore, because he knew the man was certifiable). John knelt on all fours, his head lolling between his arms as Rodney's eyes traced the curves and planes of his body. He was beautiful like this, spread open and desperate for Rodney's touch. With the sock puppet braced on John's left hip, he lined his cock up with John's hole. "You're so hot," he murmured as he began to push inside.  
  
"Use the voice," John groaned from below.  
  
Rodney huffed out a derisive breath. The things he did for this man. "Oh, John," he said flatly, in a voice that was pitched slightly higher than normal. "You're so hot." As he spoke, he opened and closed his sock-covered hand to mime speaking.  
  
This was ridiculous. Rodney didn't remember having sex with Sheppard without the sock puppets being involved. It was stupid and disturbing and . . .  
  
Rodney lost his train of thought as he was enveloped in John's tight heat.  
  
***  
  
Ronon jogged along the west pier as the sun crested the horizon. Usually, he ran with Sheppard, but Sheppard had begged off this morning, claiming he had a headache. It was just as well. Sheppard had been acting strange lately and it was beginning to creep Ronon out. Still, it was boring to have no one to talk to, so for a little variety, Ronon detoured down a seldom used corridor. He'd reached the end and was about to turn back when he heard excited whispering to his right. His suspicions aroused, Ronon pulled his gun from its holster. As he crept around the corner he almost tripped over Sheppard, who was sitting cross-legged on the floor with a sock on each hand.  
  
Sheppard's headed jerked up. "Jesus, Ronon. You scared the crap outta me."  
  
"Sheppard, are you playing with dolls?"  
  
"No," Sheppard protested. "These are, um, ancient artifacts. Rodney asked me to check them out."  
  
"Look like dolls to me."  
  
Sheppard glared. "Well, they're not," he said petulantly.  
  
Ronon shrugged. "See you at lunch," he said and got as far away from Sheppard as possible. _Crazy earthlings._  
  
***  
  
Evan sighed wearily as he rifled through his desk drawer. _Damn Marines_ , he thought. Why did they have to play pranks on his watch? He wasn't fond of filing reports and just his luck; he didn't have the required paperwork. Not wanting to leave it for tomorrow, Evan headed to Colonel Sheppard's office to snatch some forms.  
  
When he got there, the door was closed and the room was dark. It was fairly late, so Evan assumed that Sheppard had retired for the night. He really wanted to get this over and done with, so he decided to slip into the office and find the forms himself.  
  
The door slid open to reveal Sheppard, lounging in his chair with his feet propped on the desk. His eyes were closed and his lips were pressed against the sock covering his hand. Evan stood perfectly still, not daring to breathe. Quickly assessing the situation, he determined that Sheppard was unaware of his presence, so he slowly backed out of the room. That was when he accidentally bumped into the filing cabinet next to the door.  
  
Sheppard jumped and the lights came on, the sudden, harsh glare causing Evan to squint.  
  
"Ever hear of knocking, Lorne?" Sheppard snapped.  
  
"Uh, sorry, sir. The lights were out. I didn't realize you were in here," Evan apologized, looking anywhere but Sheppard. "I'll just," he said pointing to the door before making a hasty retreat.  
  
Screw it; the paperwork could wait until tomorrow.  
  
***  
  
Rodney wasn't used to being the one on his knees. He was more of a top, but John had insisted he wanted to try something "special". John had looked so hopeful and pathetic that Rodney couldn't refuse. He rested his head on his forearms, ass high in the air, while John settled behind him. His brain registered warm and wet before it noticed the scrape of soft fabric across his hole, and holy shit, that was so not John's tongue.  
  
"You are not rimming me with a puppet, you freak!"  
  
***  
  
Over the years, Teyla had become familiar with many Earth customs, but she could not recall one that involved putting socks on one's hands. "John," she said patiently. "I think it would be easier to practice if your hands were free from obstruction."  
  
"I'm teaching Rodney how to fight," he explained, matter-of-factly.  
  
"Perhaps Rodney would benefit more if he actually attended our sessions."  
  
John rolled his eyes. "Not that Rodney. This one," he said, brandishing the sock.  
  
"John, are you well?" He didn't look well. Teyla thought that maybe the stress was finally getting to him.  
  
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" John tilted his head, looking at her curiously.  
  
"No reason. I have just remembered that I promised to have lunch with Kate. Do you think we could reschedule our workout?"  
  
John shrugged. "Sure thing, Teyla."  
  
***  
  
"You kids all set?" Sheppard asked as they stood in front of the gate.  
  
"Yes, yes," Rodney replied absently, typing on his data-pad.  
  
"Rodney," Teyla whispered.  
  
"What?" Rodney didn't look up. He was a busy man. Then Ronon elbowed him. "Ow! What?"  
  
Teyla jerked her head in John's direction and Rodney's eyes widened.  
  
"Um, Colonel."  
  
"Yeah, Rodney."  
  
"Ixnay on the uppetpay," he said through gritted teeth.  
  
Shepherd furrowed his eyebrows and looked at Rodney like **he** was the one who was crazy.  
  
"The puppet, John; the puppet," Rodney growled, trying to keep his voice low.  
  
"What about it?" John clutched the sock tightly to his chest.  
  
"It might be wise to leave it on Atlantis," Teyla explained more diplomatically then Rodney ever could.  
  
Rodney stepped forward and held out his hand. "Give me the damn puppet, John," he snapped.  
  
"What? No!" John took a step back, a sock covered finger curling around the trigger of his P-90.  
  
"Drop it, Sheppard," Ronon rumbled.  
  
"You can't have it! It's mine!" John shouted.  
  
"Is there are problem here?" Elizabeth asked from the balcony above the gateroom.  
  
"They can't have it," John whined, still aiming his gun at his teammates.  
  
Major Lorne approached from the right and John whirled in that direction. "Sir," he said calmly. "Why don't you give me the gun and you and your puppet can go to the infirmary. I'm sure Dr. Beckett will let you take it to the infirmary, right Doc?"  
  
John's head whipped to the left where Carson was slowly creeping over with one hand behind his back. "Aye, lad. We're quite fond of puppets down in the infirmary."  
  
"Keep away," John squawked. He looked frantically between Lorne and Beckett as they continued to advance on him.  
  
"Easy now," Carson said. Rodney saw a flash of silver as John twisted Carson's arm behind his back. When John released him, Carson staggered forward and collapsed to his knees. "That little bugger got me in the arse!" he declared before falling flat of his face, syringe sticking out of his backside.  
  
Rodney cringed in sympathy.  
  
"Rodney, you saved me," John said reverently, gazing lovingly at the puppet.  
  
Rodney rolled his eyes. He thought John was being ridiculous and was about to tell him so when everyone rushed to Carson's side. In the ensuing commotion, John escaped the gateroom.  
  
***  
  
Major Lorne, Teyla, Ronon and Rodney stood in front of Elizabeth's desk with their hands behind their backs. They stared at the ground, looking like school-children who were about to be scolded. Carson slept in the infirmary, recovering from the sedative that was supposed to be for Sheppard. John was hiding out with his puppet in the highest room of the north tower and, according to Lieutenant Cadman, was raving like a lunatic while Dr Heightmeyer tried to talk him down.  
  
"You all knew!" Elizabeth bellowed.  
  
The only answer was someone's boot scuffing across the floor.  
  
"When were you going to tell me that the CO was bat-shit crazy?" Sometimes she felt more like a kindergarten teacher than the leader of an expedition in another galaxy.  
  
Rodney's head jerked up. "I thought it was some kind of fetish," he snapped defensively.  
  
"You're sleeping with John?!?"  
  
"Oh, did I say fetish? I meant fetish as in a good luck charm . . ."  
  
Lorne looked distressed and stuck his fingers in his ears as Rodney babbled. "Lalalala, I can't hear you," he sing-songed.  
  
Ronon sighed. "Are we done yet? I'm hungry."  
  
"Elizabeth," Teyla said calmly. "It is not unusual for the children of my village to carry dolls around for comfort."  
  
Elizabeth stared at them in horror before slumping into her chair. She banged her head on the desk a few times while the four of them continued to chatter.  
  
"Dr. Weir," her radio chirped.  
  
"Go ahead, Kate," she replied.  
  
"Colonel Sheppard seems extremely agitated," Dr. Heightmeyer explained.  
  
 _Ya think?!_ "Understood. What do you think the chances are of getting him to the infirmary without anyone getting hurt?"  
  
There was a loud bang and Heightmeyer said, "I'm going to have to get back to you on that."  
  
Elizabeth could hear John shrieking in the background. "You can't have it! My preciousssss!"  
  
This really couldn't be happening; Elizabeth was sure she had to be dreaming. Then she had a horrifying thought: what if she was still stuck in the dream created by the Replicators. Overwhelmed by panic, she curled up on her chair and wrapped her arms around her legs, rocking and muttering to herself.

  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.wraithbait.com/viewstory.php?sid=11673>  



	3. Sometimes John Sheppard Even Disturbs Himself by mckays_girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Obviously, you need some private time. I'll just leave you two alone," Rodney teased, hooking a thumb over his shoulder while backing toward the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers: Slight for McKay and Mrs. Miller

Sometimes John Sheppard Even Disturbs Himself by mckays_girl

  
Sometimes John Sheppard Even Disturbs Himself by [mckays_girl](http://www.wraithbait.com/viewuser.php?uid=1020)  


  
Summary: "Obviously, you need some private time. I'll just leave you two alone," Rodney teased, hooking a thumb over his shoulder while backing toward the door.  
Categories: Slash Pairings > McKay/Sheppard Characters:  Carson Beckett, Elizabeth Weir, John Sheppard, Major Lorne, Other, Radek Zelenka, Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan  
Genres:  First Time, Humour, PWP - Plot, What Plot?, Series  
Warnings:  Adult themes  
Challenges: None  
Series: None  
Chapters:  3 Completed: Yes   
Word count: 3817 Read: 14576  
Published: 17 May 2007 Updated: 07 Apr 2008 

Sometimes John Sheppard Needs a New Hobby by mckays_girl

Author's Notes:

Spoilers: Slight for McKay and Mrs. Miller  
  
Mucho thanks to girly_curl_3 and _kiden for encouraging the craziness and giving me some ultra-insane ideas!!

They called it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Really, the SGC was just looking for a way to keep Sheppard on Atlantis and General Landry was trying to avoid mountains of paperwork. John spent two weeks in the infirmary and had mandatory daily visits with Dr. Heightmeyer scheduled for the next three months. He was still allowed to go off-world; Teyla just kept him away from the natives. Far away.  
  
Everyone in the city knew about Sheppard's little "problem." The soldiers obeyed out of a deep-seated respect for the person who saved their lives on a near constant basis. The scientists held their tongues for fear that Rodney would permanently shut off their hot water.  
  
It was an open secret that Sheppard and McKay were a couple. No one seemed to mind because Rodney kept John out of trouble and the city was running smoothly. Plus, it didn't hurt that John had the strongest ATA gene out of anyone, excluding General O'Neill.  
  
___  
  
"How come Elizabeth is strapped down to the bed?" John asked, tilting his head slightly to the right.  
  
"Because you made her crazy," Rodney scolded.  
  
Elizabeth giggled.  
  
"She'll never be quite right," Rodney whispered a little too loudly.  
  
Radek snorted.  
  
Teyla gave them an admonishing glare.  
  
___  
  
John's attempts to requisition infant socks to be brought over on the Daedalus were being thwarted. Twice already, the SGC had denied his requests saying they "weren't vital to the success of the mission." He huffed out a frustrated sigh. JohnPuppet and RodneyPuppet were ready to move to the next level in their relationship. John needed to find a way to get his hands on some smaller socks, pronto!  
  
___  
  
"Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule, John," Teyla said. "It is always a pleasure when I can spend time with my people. The children especially love it when you play football with them."  
  
"No problem, Teyla. I love coming for a visit."  
  
After a few hours of playing games with the kids, John sat down next to the fire to rest. There was an older woman already there, knitting while humming to herself. She smiled at John.  
  
"Whatcha making?" he asked, watching her curiously.  
  
"The harvest is upon us," she answered cryptically.  
  
John figured it was a cultural thing that the Athosians always had to seem mysterious. He cocked a puzzled eyebrow at her.  
  
The woman sighed patiently. "The weather grows colder. I am making scarves for the children."  
  
Oh, that made sense. John observed her for a little while before an idea struck him. "You wouldn't be able to make socks, would you? Like for babies?"  
  
The Athosian woman's eyes lit up. "Oh, you're expecting? Who's the lucky woman?"  
  
John's face scrunched up with that expression that Rodney called his 'Brain Constipation' look. There was an awkward silence and the woman gazed at him expectantly, making John uncomfortable. "Don't worry about it," he said. "I'm sure you must be busy." He stood and waved sheepishly. "See ya."  
  
______  
  
Rodney wouldn't have known about John's attempts to procure baby socks, except that he was nosy. He was going through the paperwork on John's desk when he noticed the denied requisition forms.  
  
That was when John walked in. "What are you doing?" he snapped, grabbing the papers from Rodney's hand.  
  
"Nothing," Rodney lied.  
  
"You were snooping," John accused.  
  
Rodney raised his chin defiantly, but was unable to come up with a good excuse. Instead, he stared at the floor. "Well, yes."  
  
John scowled at him.  
  
"Well, I have to be going," Rodney said hastily, backing out the door. "The galaxy won't go saving itself. See you at lunch."  
  
______  
  
At 1500 AST*, Rodney had a video conference with his sister to review what had happened during the whole Rod debacle. After going over some power consumption algorithms and possible methods of exotic particle containment, Rodney said, "Listen, Jeannie. I have a favor to ask you."  
  
Jeannie rolled her eyes. "What is it now?"  
  
Rodney shifted nervously in his seat. "Um, I have this friend who, um needs . . ."  
  
"Yes," Jeannie prompted.  
  
"Baby socks," he finished lamely, looking anywhere but at the screen.  
  
"You didn't knock someone up, did you, Mer?" Jeannie asked incredulously.  
  
"No! Of course I didn't," Rodney snapped. "Look, just send them with the next care package, okay."  
  
Jeannie gave him a wicked smirk that was full of promises of sibling torture. "Yeah. Sure thing, Mer."  
  
___  
  
When John got home that evening, Rodney was sitting at his desk tinkering with an Ancient device. "What does it do?" he asked as he peered over Rodney's shoulder.  
  
"I don't know yet."  
  
"Do you want me to touch it for you?" John said suggestively, with added eyebrow waggle.  
  
Rodney didn't even look up. "Busy now," he grumbled while his hand made shooing motions.  
  
John pouted. He plopped down on the bed and picked up 'War and Peace'. After reading only three sentences he put the book back down and sighed loudly. Rodney was still absorbed in his work. Climbing off the bed, John lay on the floor and started doing sit-ups. Fifty sit-ups later, John was still bored. "Rodney," he whined. "When are you going to be done?"  
  
"I'll be done when I'm done."  
  
___  
  
Rodney had the feeling that something creepy was staring at him. He shivered. Glancing to his right, he jumped when he saw three sets of eyes peeking at him from over the edge of his desk. One set belonged to Sheppard (who was crouching on the floor); the others to Sheppard's puppets. "Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you?"  
  
"Hello," John said in a low, raspy voice, while opening and closing the mouth of JohnPuppet.  
  
Rodney frowned and clutched the unresponsive Ancient device protectively to his chest. "Yes, very nice. What are you, twelve?"  
  
John stood up and pouted. "Come on, buddy," he wheedled. "I just wanted to have some fun."  
  
A sock covered hand caressed Rodney's shoulder and everything went dark. When he came to, he was on the floor. Rodney tried to move, but he felt anchored to something. Looking up, he saw his body slumped forward on his desk. Panic began to well in his chest, because seriously, what the fuck? Rodney also noticed a very full sensation, like something was shoved up his . . .  
  
 _Oh, no,_ he thought. _No, no, no, no, no, no, no!_ He would have screamed, except, he couldn't. He couldn't scream because he was trapped inside a stupid sock puppet!  
  
_________  
*AST = Atlantis Standard Time

  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.wraithbait.com/viewstory.php?sid=11673>  



End file.
